Sorry-Ass Movie Review: 'UNFORGETTABLE'
Saw an awful movie last night suitably called, 'UNFORGETTABLE'. It was so bad that I know I'll remember it until the end of time. It was filled full of movie stars who's main concern was to NOT BE FORGOTTEN, so they must've signed on to this thing for that reason alone. Those stars absolutely have to be named because they are guilty of the sin of spreading more HOLLYWOOD CRAP into a world already chock-full of it!! The biggest star in it I happen to have a mini-crush on, KATHERINE HEIGL. She's a blonde babe with obvious acting skills not getting enough roles or maybe she turned down too many?? In any case as you watch this film you can see a great actress trying to burst out of the lousy, damn near evil script by CHRISTINA HODSON and DAVID JOHNSON. The lackluster and unimaginative directing by DENISE DI NOVI didn't help at all.
HEIGL is a living BETTY COOPER from the comic book ARCHIE and I wonder aloud why in hell hasn't someone wrote a script precisely to exploit this. She has that trademark ARCHIE CHEEK SMILE TOO. You know, a lot of cheek pushed up on one corner of the face ( a feeling). In any case I was disappointed by her inability to improve on this lousy script by these amateur writers, both of whom I hope are destined to NOT BE FORGOTTEN by the IRS come tax time next year!
The next actor is ROSARIO DAWSON, A sexy Latina that has been out of the limelight for some time because newbie uber star RYAN GOSLING is her hubby and he's been pumping babies into her left and right. So as selfish RYAN'S career rose, ROSARIO'S has been sidelined by brats-to-be. In fact, this movie is so bad that ROSARIO has an obvious BABY BUMP but nobody in the film acknowledges it, even her fiance!!! It's as if they're all sex retards or something!! So now you're beginning to see how bad this film is.
Speaking of the husband, the character in question turns out to be one helluva a chump. He's a big guy too but he's easily pushed around by the other characters. Competently played by GEOFF STULTS (who's name looks like and rhymes with INSULTS), he does convey the necessary acting chops but nothing can save this dreadful script.
The story's premise is quite simple but the incompetence of the writers and director to execute the premise deftly only shows how far they all have to go! TESSA CONNOVER (CATHERINE HEIGL) is a 'closet psycho' (you know, like your kid brother or mean as hell 3rd grade teacher) and is jealous as hell that JULIA BANKS (ROSARIO DAWSON) is about to marry her hunky ex DAVID CONNOVER (GEOFF STULTS). So she plots to destroy her like any true blooded American woman would. To aid her in her quest she enlist the help of MICHAEL VARGAS (SIMON KASSIANIDES), who is JULIA BANK'S ex who used to KICK HER ASS so he's a baddy. This is really a great concept! An evil chick stalker using another guy stalker as a proxy to do her dirty work! Man! In a great script that would be edge-of-your-seat inducing drama!! But here, the whole idea is handled clumsily and to no obvious dramatic effect. What a damn shame!
And here's where the real problem of UNFORGETTABLE lies. The BACKSTORY is more interesting than the ACTUAL STORY. Amateur writers fail to see the actual better story that they've cooked up while developing their story of interest. The story about the JULIA BANKS' (ROSARIO DAWSON) EX is given so little attention in silly aggressive 'head shots only' of him that when he falls for TESSA CONNOVER'S (CATHERINE HEIGL) silly plan to get him back into JULIA BANK'S (ROSARIO DAWSON) life that when he suddenly shows up it feels patently not threatening. He's like some guy she just knew not the guy that once tried to kill her. The disappointment snowballs after this because the conflict between the characters begins to occur fast and furiously. Why? Because the script had far too much bullshit 'character development'. Far too much 'evil plotting' scenes, and far too little drama. Then it had FAR TOO LITTLE TIME to show the outcome of all that other stuff! Suddenly at the end of the film everybody starts fighting in a life and death manner. And the dialog that comes out of their mouths is hilarious! Most of it totally inappropriate and undramatic.
I hate (and love) it when people with ZERO PERSONAL EXPERIENCE attempt to write stories about situations that their personal lives have never even came close to being like. It's obvious that the writers of UNFORGETTABLE were either too spoiled in their upbringing or slept through mentally whatever bad shit they did experience. Either way you never feel any THREAT in the scripting of this movie. No sense of danger what so ever! Did they just roll out of their comfty beds and decide to write a movie LIKE OTHER BETTER MOVIES THEY'VE SEEN INVOLVING OBSESSIVE LOVERS?? Apparently so! In any case because of the weak acting careers of the two female lead character the producers were able to convince them to do this piece of trash.
OK. So this is a bad movie. Were there any good moments to take away from it? Yes, of course. Being a guy I got to see KATHERINE HEIGL in almost every damn scene. AND to make that even more special (or because the producers knew that they had to add more sex to the film in order to sucker lonely men like me into seeing it) they gave KATHERINE HEIGL'S character a bit of a sex addiction angle. When she's plotting her evil or destressing she will fuck or masturbate to it!! Hehehe. Well, those producers obviously weren't that dumb because it worked! There's a scene where Kat (I can call her that because I'm a real fan of hers) is humping a stranger in car during a sudden (meaning ad hoc) rain storm!! Yeah! That shot was worth $20!! (I paid $12.00 for the ticket). So the movie isn't a total waste if you're a horny guy like me or a prowling blonde-grinding lesbian stalker! But if you're like the rest of mankind (meaning a sexless person with little or no blood flowing between your thighs) then you're going to hate this film like no other!!!
So, the final word on this movie is FUCK THIS FILM. Don't watch it unless it's on a long flight across the Atlantic Ocean or you're on a prison bus and it's being shown on the back of the seat ahead of you (Federal Prison Bus).