Saving The Universe Is Like Stand Up Comedy, Folks! All You Need Is An Audience Willing To Laugh And Not Be Too Critical
'THOR: RAGNAROK' REVIEW
The lowdown: A bunch of formerly serious god-adventurers and super heroes devolve into a group of clowns who didn't stop to shed a single tear at the destruction of their interdimensional(?) homeland, Asgard, by a giant fiery creature from the ancient Norse religious equivalent of Hell. Why? Because they were having too much of a good time!! Tossing jokes left and right, making sure that nobody in the audience had a dark thought in them so that the bucks would magically come flying out of their pockets through the magic of REPEAT VIEWINGS (never to be underestimated!)
PRODUCED BY: Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus
DIRECTED BY: Ringmaster Taika Waititi
STARRING: In Run Away To Join Order...
-Chris Hemworth as The Strong Man
-Tom Hiddleston as The (evil) Clown
-Cate Blanchette as The Beardless Lady
-Idris Elba as The Sword Swallower
-Jeff Goldblum as Ex Jurrasic Park Actor Jeff Goldblum
-Tessa Thompson as The Mary Sue (the tumbler, the trapez artist, the unicycle rider, the contortionist, the half-wolf girl, etc. etc.)
-Karl Urban as Officer Dredd (in charge of Circus Security)
-Mark Ruffalo as The Big Green Human Cannonball
-Anthony Hopkins as The Lost Old Man That Wanders Too Close To The Lion Cage And Dies By Paw Swipe
-Benedict Cumberbatch as Doctor Even Stranger That He's In This Movie With No Real Purpose Other Than For The Audience To Not Forget Him Between 'Doctor Strange' Movies
-Taika Waititi as The Fame Hungry Director Making A Cameo In His Own Film (voice only--he's so humble!)
-Rachel House as The Best Damn Thing About This Film!!! The ONLY Serious Character! Yippeee!
Also Starring The Entire Asgardian Population Able To Fit Into A Somewhat Large Starship In A Matter Of Minutes Near The End Of This Comedy -er Super Hero Movie And Save Themselves From An Extinction That They Just Found Out About That Same Day! And ALL DONE IN AN ORDERLY AND AWFULLY QUIET MANNER!! What manners those Asgardians have! They rival the Earthly Chinese in their ability to control their emotions!! In fact I wish they were all Chinese because you didn't see too many Asian folks in this move. Oh, sure -you got a couple of blacks and Latinos. But the Asian number was waayy too low! Goddamn racist-ass director! HE'S ASIAN! The DIRECTOR IS ASIAN. Why didn't he put his own people in this film more!!?? I DON'T GET IT.
Thor: Ragnarok starts off with the jokes fast and furious. From it's opening scene (Thor about to be eaten?) by a big firey bastard to it's huge dud of a gag featuring Jeff Goldblum after the credits. After this opening scene you kinda gleam that Thor has been running and jumping around the Universe for whatever reason -but none of it matters because he's ended up in chains in front of a big fiery bastard waiting to kill him(?) or something. Anyway, none of that matters because Thor thinks it's all funny!
As the plot moves on more jokes and gags and stuff are thrown at you and you get some idea that deep within this movie something REALLY SERIOUS is about to happen. Millions or thousands of people (hmm. How many people / gods live in Asgard??) are gonna die if Thor doesn't find a way to stop something called Ragnarok from happening. After thinking he stopped it, he then runs into his big sister who turns out to be very evil and returning home to destroy Asgard too or claim it or something. But that doesn't stop anybody from smiling, making witty quips and stuff and any grief shown is laughable too like in the scene when the Norse God of Creation, Odin, dies or something. He kinda just vanishes having been fucked up in the head by his evil Son, Loki. Sounds like Loki is really the God of Creation if he can mess up the God of Creation's head that bad to the point that he no longer wants to live OR SOMETHING.
Anyway the jokes are still being thrown at you in the audience as more SOMETHINGS keep occurring. Each character is a goddamn joke-box nomatter who they are. I wish I could say that everyone in the audience was laughing but I saw this movie after opening weekend and it was just maybe 8 people in the audience and nobody laughed at all -well, someone laughed a bit on a few of the jokes but most were quiet. But the laughs he gave were those kinda 'that's a joke in a popular movie so I should laugh in support of it' kinda jokes so I guess that they don't even count.
Anyway back to that story or lack of it. After Odin 'dies' or something right in front of Thor and Loki these two clowns just sort of look at each other and nobody shows any real emotion at the event. You know the kind of emotion you'd see in a movie that was directed with someone with a shred of human empathy in their bones. A scene of Thor saying, "Father --no! No!", maybe would've sealed the deal but you don't even get that in this movie. But that's nothing compared to the way the director and producers and other circus owners and ringmasters handled an impending GENOCIDE by Thor's sister, Hella. That was the real joke of this film!
The Asgardians --who all looked and acted like motherfucking refugees caught between two warring religious factions and who were all waiting patiently for an American aid helicopter to drop some food on top of them --were truly PATHETIC. The art directors should be run out of Hollywood!! They just grabbed a bunch of clothing from the homeless shelter boxes you find on your big city corners and threw them on a bunch of actors who were probably paid in fucking donuts because none of them looked a tad interested in being there IN ASGARD or even showed any emotion demanding your attention. They all looked and acted like a FUCKING HERD OF MOTHERFUCKING COWS BEING SHEEP DOGGED INTO THE BARN AS THE FUCKING STORM CLOUDS WERE GATHERING OVERHEAD ON THE MOTHERFUCKING RANCH.
Anyway the Geek Machine has been racheted up on this film and the hype is excruciating. It's really a lousy-ass no-movie with no real reason for existing. People are heralding this colorful circus tent as some sort of 'reboot'. REBOOT? Compared to what? Marvel's other 'bad' movies? DC's shitty films? DC needs to reboot they're crap. Marvel's films have been doing fine BECAUSE they were taking this shit seriously. Kept the lightness at a minimum. Now here come the clowns! The same bunch that put out that brain-eluding shit called, 'The Force Awakens' (or as I like to call it, 'The Farce Awakens') or so it seems.
This is a fake FAKE super hero movie and the sooner it FADES away as an ANOMOLY in the otherwise serious and legitimate Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU?) the better. But that will be asking too much for the REPEAT VIEWERS will make the Powers That Be (PTB?) think that MORE JOKES equal success so now expect to see Iron Man, Dr. Strange, and everybody else donning clown face and cracking jokes faster than the latest super villain can say, "Nothing can stop me now!"
The Final Word? Fuck this movie. It's a joke.
Copyright 2017 by George Alan Booker, All Rights Reserved. No part of this review should be tatooed onto your ass and paraded around inside a theater showing 'Thor: Ragnarok' in some misguided attempt at getting laughs.
(as you can tell, this is NOT a serious movie review. It's about as serious as this movie was. And that was a big fat ZERO on the dramatic scale)
I'm George Alan Booker and I created the character known as Zombie Racer (TM) in the year 2000, same year I registered the domain www.zombieracer.com, and then everyone and his mother started turning it into shitty video games and smelly gym shoes on the Internet so now it's just all over the damn place. Anyone using this trademark without proper authorization subjects themselves to possible legal action. -especially if you make any money off of it.