ANOTHER Hollywood piece of trash filmmaking splashes down in your nearest theater's toilet!! 'TRANSFORMERS: Part Whatever'! This story is so bad that I rewrote it in order to entertain myself as I watched this dumbass movie. So kick back and enjoy my transformed Transformers (it's better than Hollywood's!)
'TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT' MOVIE REVIEW
STARRING (in army ant-like marching order)
-MARK WAHLBERG as Struggling Actor Unable To Make The Transition To More Serious Films
-ISABELA MONER as the actress with the sexy last name that no producer could ignore!
-JOSH DUHAMEL as the actor who threatened to quit 3 times during the making of the film.
-ANTHONY HOPKINS as the shameless Scrooge-actor out to make every single dime off of his past history of being a classy thesbian (rhymes uncomfortably with LESBIAN doesn't it?)
-MAN DRINKING COLD BEER as himself.
-BIG BUTT WOMAN SCREAMING AT OPTIMUS PRIME FROM ROOFTOP as herself.
-THE TRANSFORMERS as real space aliens who choose to work for free in order to help Hollywood offset the cost of illegal movie downloads and high agents' (not stars) fees.
-The NRA (National Rifle Association) in association with Planned Parenthood
-Jack Shakespeare (William Shakespeare's direct descendant)
SPECIAL EFFECTS BY
-Domino's Pizza (fake cheese masters)
ENEMIES OF THIS FILM
-The Motion Picture Academy
-The Screen Director's Guild
-The Actor's Guild
-The Movie Caterer's Association (food trucks)
-Every acting school and film school within the continental United States
SET SECURITY PROVIDED BY
-Bruce Lee Tea
BEST NONE MOVIE QUOTE:
"I want my check, motherfuckers. And I want it by the end of the day." -Bill the Studio Janitor
In a world increasingly turning to green or natural resources for fuel the gasoline guzzling Transformers set out on a mission to prove that climate change is a lie and that gasoline is still the best way to get from zero to 60 MPH in under one minute. But their evil, ex bad guy nemesis, Megatron, has vowed to stop them!
Another Michael Bay special effects jerk-off fest!!! Hell yeah!! I brought by cybernetic nerd-boy raincoat to stroke off in the corner of the theater at all of the disguised male testosterone splashed up on the screen!! When I came I screamed out, "Michael Baayy!! I fucking love you!!!" Then the surly usher came in a said, "Shut the fuck up, you creep! You're disturbing the other viewers!"
This film was great! Go see it right now and don't pay like I did by donning a pair of Dickey's worker clothing and telling the stupid theater employees that you're there to check the HVAC (air conditioning). They'll wave you through.
THE BOTTOM LINE:
Stay at home and mail your money to the studios with a letter that states, 'PLEASE REMOVE THIS WORTHLESS CRAP FROM MY LOCAL CINEMA. THANK YOU'. This way you can be honest and kinda hip by telling your idiot pals that did see it that you paid to NOT see it.
Copyright © 2017 George Alan Booker -All Rights Reserved on this planet (Earth) or any of the new planets recently discovered by NASA.
Doesn't get any more wonderful than Gal Godot as Wonder Woman. With kick-ass action scenes she's terrific to behold.
Thanks to the shitty story by Zack Snyder and company (wouldn't you know!) the underused but perfectly villainous Doctor Poison, played succinctly by Spanish actress Elana Anaya, only gets limited screen time. But what she does with it is terrific.
Don't believe ALL of the hype! Wonder Woman is an OK film. It soars ONLY because of Gal Gadot. After you get past her the rest of the film is a bunch of cliched ideas that are poorly executed themselves.
Let's start off with the good though: It was smart to place the action in Wonder Woman in the past. Super hero films work best when we see them during the actual time they were meant for (meaning the era of their creations). 'Captain America: The First Avenger' did this and now the Wonder Woman writers, knowing full well that DC Comics / Warner Bros. needs a hit, were wise to take it as an example and put the lovely Amazon princess in the past. Fighting with American soldiers in the latter stages of World War 1. There are a few more good ideas too, such as not attempting to obliterate the Greek mythology angle that set the stages for the character's existence. Marvel's Thor did a shoddy job with this. If you remember the first Thor movie the writers had the nerve to claim that the Norse Gods were not really gods at all but 'demi-gods' or basically wannabes. This was a travesty of religious history and revealed their religious bias. But fuck them, Wonder Woman's writer(s) got it right. But after these two story elements the rest of the story turns into typical Hollywood Fake Blockbuster plotting, the more intricate details of which I'll let you go to the movie and see for yourself.
Now, the bad stuff: The bad in this film is really pathetic and has to do with some basic film school principals being ignored by the creators. Mainly this movie is riddled with CONTINUITY PROBLEMS, some of which were OUTRIGHT EXAMPLES OF STUPIDITY. The first one being a scene where WONDER WOMAN saves the WW1 pilot Steve Trevor from drowning. After she pulls the lucky bastard from the ocean they cut in for some medium shots of them on the beach and these two characters DO NOT APPEAR AS THOUGH THEY WERE JUST 10 OR 20 FT DEEP in the ocean only mere minutes ago. They should've been drenched with water and it should've been in their fucking eyes, noses, everywhere but it wasn't. That was some bullshit.
The SECOND big continuity error was how Wonder Woman kept changing clothing during the fast paced action without the audience being shown her taking off her more bulky armor and placing it in a handbag or something to carry around with when needed. Instead whenever she changed into regular clothing to blend in with the human beings then changed into wonder woman you were left wondering WHERE THE HELL WAS SHE KEEPING THIS ARMOR AT AND HOW DID SHE MANAGED TO KEEP IT ALL HIDDEN UNDERNEATH THESE PARTY DRESSES AND OTHER CLOTHING, ESPECIALLY HER WONDER SHOES (sandals or whatever??) This shit got to be fucking stupid after a while. The stupidity reached a crescendo when Wonder Woman attends a PARTY FULL OF DIPLOMATS --which the filmmakers did not show how she got past the necessary security for an event like that --with the HILT OF HER SWORD STICKING OUT OF THE BACK OF HER BACKLESS PARTY DRESS. This was so goddamn ridiculous that you wondered if every German general and party goer in the fucking movie was some how immune to assassination attempts. This was some downright stupid amateur filmmaking 'mistakes', people. You got to see this dumb ass scene to believe it! It was a dumb, dumb mistake for the filmmakers to get rid of the classic TV show's Wonder Woman's ability to transform into her super hero costume by spinning. If they had then they would have neatly tied the past TV show with the present Wonder Woman in the eyes of fans young and old. A great opportunity lost perhaps forever now.
The THIRD big continuity error (SPOILER WARNING) is when a lead villain who at first appeared to be an older trusted member of the allied forces turns out to be an evil god in disguise. Now when this guy finally reveals who he is his body undergoes a MASSIVE transformation. Big fucking muscles and height and all, just to fight Wonder Woman. BUT guess what? His face does not change at all!! WTF. Is he still trying to hide his God-Face from Wonder Woman in this big battle with her? If you planned on disguising your real face again then just do it whenever that time came. There's NO REASON FOR THE VILLAIN TO HAVE HIS HUMAN FACE DISGUISE sitting on top of his real or stronger or whatever God-like body. It looked rigoddamndiculous!!! Again, you got to see this stupid continuity error for yourself!!
All in all this movie, with it's clumsy visual storytelling mistakes and all is worth it. Were it not for Gal, this film would've been the next installment in DC's bullshit-ass motion picture collection. Whatever they paid her it wasn't enough. Oh, and by the way, I wasn't surprised to see the name of Zack Snyder listed as one of the 'Story' creators on this movie. Why is this guys still involved in super hero films after those two fucked up super hero tales, The 'Superman' relaunch film and 'Batman Vs Superman' movies???? What the fuck is going on there at DC Comics / Warner Bros. with this guy?? Are they all 'pals for life' or something?? He's a lousy fucking writer!! Stop letting him write until he takes a course in writing / storytelling or something! Fuck! Nearly everyone of his super hero films has a big FAKE armegeddon size battle at the end. All feel forced and artificial! He had a hit with his FRANK MILLER WRITTEN '300' movie and now all of a sudden everyone thinks he's some hot-shot master of comic books-to-film projects. This is some bullshit, I tell you. Some absolute bullshit. '300' was HISTORICAL FANTASY for one thing, not super hero films!! Let me repeat that: HISTORICAL FANTASY and not SUPER HERO FILMS. Stop assuming that people who can swim fast can also run fast too! Give some professional writers a fucking chance, why don't you . Fans don't give a flying fuck if the latest hot shot director is not WRITING the movie. Fans want good stuff, that's it! Stop lowbrowing this shit! Stop dumbing shit down for the two or 3 idiots in the audience. Raise your fucking writing standards. This Wonder Woman story is shit! Full of goofy, unbelievable characters! Gasp.
One note: A pleasing surprise was the actress and character that played the German poison gas expert -Elana Anaya / Dr. Poison. She was the ONLY character besides Wonder Woman and Steve Trevor that even felt realistic. The rest felt like cardboard cut-outs!
Copyright 2017 George Alan Booker (remember! send your hate mail and death threats to firstname.lastname@example.org)
I'm George Alan Booker and I created the character known as Zombie Racer (TM) in the year 2000, same year I registered the domain www.zombieracer.com, and then everyone and his mother started turning it into shitty video games and smelly gym shoes on the Internet so now it's just all over the damn place. Anyone using this trademark without proper authorization subjects themselves to possible legal action. -especially if you make any money off of it.